What is your real job?

Once in a while, Gavriel asks me what my job is. And I flinch every single time. Internally of course.

I tell him I learned how to be a social worker, explaining in his terms what that is, and then explain that right now I'm not doing that, and my job is to take care of him and his brothers and his abba, and my body. Sometimes he accepts it, and sometimes he says, "no ima, but what is your real job?"

It's hard not to feel judged when your six year old asks something as value laden as that, but I remind myself he's not judging me, just trying to sort things out in his head, and it affects me because of how sensitive I feel about the issue.

I love stay at home mothers. I think it's a phenomenal job, and admire homeschoolers even more, for the patience and selflessness those mothers must have. I just never planned on being one. I always envisioned myself as the mother with perfect balance. Work for a half day, in an all important job affecting real people and changing lives, and then home for the rest of the day with my children, while at the same time being the perfect homemaker my mother was.

What unrealistic expectations.

There is no such thing, except maybe on tv. I don't know one mother who doesn't sacrifice herself in at least one arena be it professional, emotional, physical, spiritual, in order to balance the demands of life in 2010. It's not enough that we stay home, it's not enough that we work, it's not enough that we juggle a household, practice attachment parenting, manage an active household, provide nutrional meals, make sure to get physical activity, fight a bad economy. It's never ever enough. And I've found few mothers with small children who don't walk around with an air of breathlessness. How can we possibly catch our breath, with so many expectations put on ourselves?

Although blessed in some of these, in some ways I have it even worse, because I've been forced to abandon many of those ideals in order to address my physical problems. So I try to live in a state of feeling it just has to be good enough for now. Not quite enough that I'm proud of what I've become, but enough so that I don't lay awake at night thinking of all I'm not doing- for my children, my husband, my people, and myself. My circle of influence has become much smaller than what I once envisioned for myself. I was raised to believe I could do anything, be anything. I had the brains, the talent, the education. The sky was the limit, as far as I was concerned. So much so that each time I made a professional choice, I felt a pang for those opportunities left behind despite it being my choice. The ones I would never do, despite the potential.

It's painful, I think, for my mother, to see the person I've become. Oh, I know she thinks I'm a good mother, at least I hope she does. But I'm not a religious giant, not a therapist, not a doctor, or a scientist. Instead I spend my days running to doctors or therapies, endless carpools and groceries, just like she did for so many years.

Sometimes I hear of greatness, and think, I could have done that. Then I go home, and I read to my children. Make yet another scrambled egg, another load of laundry. And I think- this is okay. This is where I'm supposedly to be today. Today this is my sphere of influence, and this is what I will do best today. I will raise my three little boys into men. And while sometimes I think about lost opportunities, this is one I never envisioned growing up. Just how important my presence is right now.

There will be time, later on. I will teach, or listen, maybe deliver babies, and maybe one day even fly into space as I once dreamed. I will make my mark, however I can. But the mark I can make on these little men right now is so much greater than any I could achieve elsewhere. Being human instead of superwoman is rather humbling.

Somewhere inside, I keep the hidden dreams tucked safely away. Not destroyed, just in stasis for now. I know I won't get to all of them. But that's okay. If I manage to focus my passion into my mothering, that will help keep my spark alive for the day that I look to expand my sphere outwards. And I do other small things in the meantime, to keep those dreams alive. Counsel friends, read about birthing, and always, always, follow the space program. I don't talk about it much, but that dream is always there.

When I was a little girl I wanted to be an astronaut. I went to space camp twice, I pretended to do spacewalks, piloted the shuttle on missions. Rode the simulators and loved the adventure. I still hope that one day in my lifetime civilians will be able to ride in space without paying a fortune to do it. I don't know if it will ever become a reality, but my grandmother used to tell me about their buggy in Iowa and how much the world had changed since her youth, so I continue to believe it could be.

Next week I will have a chance to continue my dream, even though the real culmination may never happen. The space shuttle program is closing down, and only three launches remain. US astronauts will for the foreseeable future be limited to hitching a ride with the russian rockets, same as everyone else. Meanwhile, I didn't study science, and my back doesn't allow me to ride on rollercoasters, let alone a rocketing spaceship. I may never make it into space. But next week I will see one of the last space shuttles fly in to space.

I have an opportunity to go see the launch in florida, and meet some of the NASA astronauts and flight control crew. I told Ari of my chance, and even though the timing is terrible, he told me I have to go.

And he's right. I have to. If only to teach my children that I have passions too. I have my dreams, and they are worth fighting for. Even if most days it doesn't seem like I'm getting any closer, they live within me.

So the next time I'm asked what is my real job? Live. Be happy where I am today. Be complete with what I have. But always, always, strive for more. Not because I'm incomplete where I am, but because those dreams and yearning make me even more complete.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry